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Goddess Illyria
09 October 2005 @ 10:41 pm
The wolf, ram and hart seemed different on this day. There was something in this place, something that hadn't been here before, but it had some familiarity to it at the same time. As I walked the halls, much like a ghost, no one seemed to notice me anymore. There was talk, as always, of death, of secrets, of things that the humans here wanted to keep secret. So I walked... and I listened, and none even noticed I was there. Ever since my power had been depleted, everyone seemed to see me as their equal and the thought bothered me beyond belief. My name no longer carried the power it once had. No being trembled at my feet, nor cared much to see me as a friend or foe. My time as a god had truly come to an end...

It was not supposed to be this way. My arrival. I was supposed to rule the world; I was supposed to be obsolete. I was supposed to be the conqueror that everyone would kneel to... yet the world had also changed. It was not the foul thing it had once been. It was no longer the dirt at my feet; humans were no longer the muck that sprang from the depths of the earth. They had shape, they had form and they were the dominant species in this world. How that had come about, I couldn't begin to comprehend. They were still weak, and lacking in strength and stamina. But their minds... their minds had evolved. They had evolved from single celled organisms into these complex microbes that filled the earth that was once ruled by gods.

They were like roaches, multiplying to infinitum, destroying everything in their path for the sake of knowledge and pride.

And now, I was trapped, trapped in their world, trapped in a shell, trapped with feelings and memories that did not belong to me and yet remained craved into my being and attached so deep that at times I couldn't quite grasp who I really was anymore. I had become weak as they were. My powers greatly depleted, as well as the stability of the shell that housed my essence. The skin, it had softened considerably, it could be broken, it could... feel and as much as I abhorred the though, it also intrigued me.

There no where else for me to go. I was a prisoner here. If I escaped to other worlds, seeked out old alliances, they would see me- not as Illyria, the great, the powerful, the king of the primordial. No, they would see me as and insect, a lower being... and I would be destroyed once again, only this time there would be no return from the depths of slumber.

Spike had found my predicament amusing, and it irritated me, but- he had offered his guidance to me. He had offered to show me the things that I needed to know in order to assimilate better to this strange place. I found him irritating at times, however, he also intrigued me. Perhaps it had been because he had never feared me. Even when I could have turned him to dust with just one blow, he never feared. I found that... intriguing.

I had not been prepared for the array of emotions that followed out encounter in the training room. And I would have never believed that I would have found such pleasure in a being that was so beneath me still. These human emotions were quite disturbing but they needed to be addressed nonetheless.
 
 
Current Mood: curiouscurious
 
 
Goddess Illyria
14 August 2005 @ 05:23 am
""Then, Illyria, you have learned more then you need to know about being human, I dare say. You have admitted to a mistake and done it with sincerity to a person who was there and watched it all unfold. What happened in there was most definitively a rage spell and you, me, Angel, nor the pope would have any control over our respective angers in those environs. It was no more your fault, then it was your fault for taking Fred from the world. It was just a matter of where the circumstances took you."

This world was full of surprises, full of things, and concept that were so complex, and so interestingly painful that I didn't know how to react at certain times. Never did let myself believe that a species could be so intricate and so advance that it would take me this long to fully understand it. And yet I knew I had merely scratched the surface. Everything around me had been a learning experience, everything. And what I found interesting was that as much as human existence was interesting, it was also painful.

However, as complex as everything once, I didn't find myself being discouraged by the setbacks I had encountered. In fact, I found myself wanting to understand more of these feelings. I found myself wanting to explore them more, and come to understand why they made me react the way they did. There was only so much that I could learn from the remnants that Winifred Burkle left behind. I had access to every single memory, thought, and feeling that she had felt, but I couldn't yet grasp its deeper meaning unless I experienced it for myself. Right now they were simple meaningless pictures dancing in the back of my mind, simply waiting to be called forth and explain themselves.

I did feel a immense wave of regret over what I had done back at the diner. I also felt the odd need to be comforted. I didn't know why, but at this particular moment, I didn't feel like questioning it.

I didn't bother to move as I stood in the shower, looking at Wesley. What was I waiting for? For him to speak? He already had... was what he said not considered reassurance? Was I looking for something more?

Before I could form a second thought, I began to get pulled into the hot water and into a kiss. Unexpectedly, all the questions that I had didn't seem to matter at all anymore. All that mattered was him, us, what we had. Was this comfort? I let him take the lead, let him take control for it was what felt best at the moment.

The moment lasted longer than any other moment he and I had shared. Our bodies seemed to melt together as the water continued to pour on to of us, I let my hands wrap gently around him, being careful not to disturb his wound, letting my body press firmly against his. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity our lips were able to pull away and I simply looked at him, looked into his eyes and I found nothing but love in them.

I formed a small smile, and rested my head on his shoulder as the water washed the night's events from us.
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
Goddess Illyria
10 July 2005 @ 11:27 am
I didn't bother to answer Wesley when he asked if I would be joining him with Angel. I simply shook my head lightly and watched him walk way and disappear through the door. I had said what I needed to say to Angel, and I assumed Faith had done the same. Angel was not the being he had once been, and it was rather disturbing to see him in such a strange state of self-doubt and self-pity. I also understood that Wesley and Angel needed the allotted time to discuss things on their own, and that my presence would have only made them both feel uncomfortable, for very different reason. So I stayed behind, and bid my time.

I looked to Spike with a frown, and wondered what he would say if he would awaken. It didn't seem like a likely possibility at this point. The power of Angel's blow had truly been strong enough to knock him unconscious for several hours. Still, it hadn't been fatal blow, and it did not damage any of the soft tissues. But the blow had given Spike what humans would call, a concussion. I had seen many, and since becoming human, Spike had suffered worse. All he needed for now was a long rest, and he would be, as humans like to so often say, 'As good as new,' with a rather titanic headache.

I leaned against the wall and looked towards the door again. Somewhere in the house I could hear Connor and Tara conversing, and I could also, almost, hear Wesley's voice. I wanted to intrude, but I didn't, it was not my place. They were both from very different world, one by choice and the other by chance, and I understood that sometimes these things took some adjusting to.

Shifting positions, I decided to walk over to Spike and sit opposite of him. The spot where Angel had so deliberately punched him had already left a mark. It had become a bruise and the skin was slightly raised. I found it odd that I didn't feel at all upset at what had happened to him. For a long time this had been my guide. For a long time he had been the one to show me the world and help in my transition from ex-god to law abiding citizen... for the most part. I suppose, I simply understood Angel's reaction and felt good that he felt something other than the pathetic self pity he had for himself.

I leaned back, enjoying the comfort of the couch, thinking about all that had happened. Remembering Connor's grief stricken face at his wife's funeral, remembering Wesley's face on the moment he died in my arms, remembering Angel's face when I first found him in that alley... remembering the face of Spike as he realized he had shanshu'ed.

The world was a rather strange place, even after ten years. It was more intricate than it had ever been, even when my kind reigned. Perhaps this was the reason why the human race endured. Such a mystery, one I didn't care so much to solve. For once in my life, I accepted things, or rather, humanity for what it was. It hadn't seemed so easy before, but now... now it was simply all I had.

The voices of Angel and Wesley began to resonate much clearly now, and I sat up... alert. There were other voices too, but I couldn't quite place them.

"Or maybe Illyria is wandering around somewhere?"

At the sound of my own name being spoken I got up from my chair and walked towards the door.

"Okay. Sounds like Faith has some company outside,"

I frowned and tried to look out the window but I couldn't see anything. As I walked into the other room, I saw Angel, and then Wesley walk in. I didn't exactly know what to say, so I simply stood there. Watching them both, a little, unsure of my place. I walked a little closer to them, still keeping a certain distance between us.

"Angel, Wesley..." I said as they saw me come into view. What else was there to say?
 
 
Current Mood: blankblank
 
 
Goddess Illyria
02 July 2005 @ 07:49 pm
The anger that I felt was immeasurable and it only grew, fueled by the sight of such unworthy humans trying to lay their hands upon me thinking that perhaps they could do some damage to this rotted shell of a corpse. Such insects, all of them, fluttering about like moth, spreading their filthy wings and tearing each other apart for no reason at all. Stupid imbeciles, wasting their lives in boxes such as these.

I punched one of the males that had hit me as my back was turned to him. I punched him so hard I herd the crunch of his bones, and it made me smile. Humans were so weak, their bones break so easily, such a weak beings, they meant nothing, they were simply a species awaiting extinction.

I wreaked havoc, inside, breaking the hands and limbs of humans that tried lay their fingers upon me. And as I turned around and punched one of the females across the face I saw Wesley trying to get up off the floor, broken pieces of glass lay scattered about.

My betrayer.

He was the reason my powers were gone. He was the reason my glorious essence had been reduced to this pitiful state. We had a bargain, and I had kept my end, but he betrayed me! He turned me into something less than I already was. I would have rather been a titanic crater, a force blasting through out the walls of that wasteful building he worked in and been a mere memory than be this, this mockery of what I once was.

He would pay, and pay dearly for such a thing. He would pay with his life...

I began to walk towards the door, but my path was blocked by a few primitives. I smirked, and began to make paste out of their bones. They screamed and almost knelt at my feet and soon the path was clear.

Without a second thought and without looking back I rushed towards the door. And swung it open almost breaking it off of its hinges. Wesley would know the ecstasy of pain. He would know my name, and my face. I would be the last thing he would ever see.

Stepping out into the open, I began to feel different, something with in me had changed, and just as quickly as my anger fallen upon me, it also began to fade. Still, I could feel it in me, things were still not so clear. Soon I stood above Wesley, his face in perfect agony and I lifted him up by the throat, my fist ready to strike.

I tilted my head slightly and frowned... I wanted to strike. And then the moment was gone and my anger had melted way, but still the haze remained. And slowly, like the mist and morning dew dissipating, thing began reveal themselves.

"Wesley?" I asked, my hands still holding him firmly. "I- I don't understand," I began to feel something inside of me, something stronger than anything that I had ever felt before. Slowly I brought him down, and realized all that I had done.

I couldn't truly express what I was feeling right at that moment, I didn't have the words for it, and I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say. There was too much, so much all at once, and Wesley's pain felt like my own, his grievous state was had been all my doing, and I could not bear it at all.

"What have I- done..."
 
 
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
 
 
Goddess Illyria
12 June 2005 @ 07:25 pm
It was dark, dark like the vast universe I had traveled eons ago. It was cold, nothing but a whisper of the wind amidst the dark and empty streets of this dimension, nothing but the echo of my own foot steps. Nothing left at all but the bitter taste of defeat and the sudden realization that I was alone in this vast empty world. A fallen and forgotten ruler, with nothing left but this shell and the humanity that clung with it.

I got up off of the ground and looked at my hands. I could no longer feel pain. All of my wounds had been healed, the gash on the side of my face and the point of exit where the demon's blade had penetrated me had healed, and there was nothing there anymore. All of the molecules that made up this form were intact. There was no damaged vessels, no damaged skin- no scars. It was if as though, nothing had happened at all. There was no more blood. Nothing seemed to be out of place, except for the distressing hollow feeling at the pit of my being... so cold, and so empty inside, reminding me of those few precious seconds of my birth and Winifred Burkle's death.

Still looking at my gloved hand, I willed the armor from my arm to fade and then return to its former state. Bringing back the hand to me and inspecting it, I tilted my head slightly. Then, decisively, I tried to shift the temporal folds of time once more, but the energy and molecules around me did not bow to my will as they had always done in the past. It would appear that all that I had once been was intact, up to the moment of my defeat.

I was still no longer a god, and now, I was alone in a world I had never been to before. Utterly alone, without a guide and armed with only my diminished powers and the memories of the shell to aid me in this new place. I tried to analyze the gravity of the situation. This place didn't seem to pose any real threat at the moment, but it had been my experience that such dimension always housed a bigger threat, the kinds that always seemed to present itself at inopportune times.

I looked around, trying to choose the best bath to take and explore, and find at least some trace of intelligence, or anything that could provide me with knowledge of this place, but there was nothing. This place was simply... deserted. I walked along the dark and empty streets, keenly aware of all the sounds around me. Mostly the wind and a few other sounds I couldn't quite place.

As I walked I began to wonder what had become of the others, Angel, Spike and Gunn. Had they suffered the same fate? Had they come out victorious? I supposed I would never know. I felt more alone now than I had ever been in my entire existence. I did not belong anywhere; I didn't know where I belonged anymore. Not this place, not this time. Not this world or any other.
 
 
Current Mood: numbnumb
 
 
 
Goddess Illyria
11 June 2005 @ 02:48 am
How dare he lay a finger on me! How dare he try to make me look less than what I was! I could feel the fury of being thrown across the room as if I were some rotted corpse begin to build up inside of me, growing like the bacteria that multiplied itself on this earth. I began to feel my cool body begin to warm as my anger spread through me like wild fire.

It was obvious that the imbecile primitive, a pale imitation of Wesley, would help us in anyway, or divulge any such information that would pertain to either Wesley or this place. It was simply useless to continue these irrelevancies with him. There were more pressing matters that require immediate attendance at the moment, and this time, the outcome would be final.

I shot a glance at the half-breed, the clown, and sneered as I got back on my feet. He would pay dearly for such insolence; these moments would surely be the last he would ever get to see. He hadn't tasted my true fury, the true power of Illyria.

But I would break him, and make him bow down before me like the lower being that he was, or annul his existence for his offence. I wasn't quite sure why his insults affected me so. For the most part, I found insults from such creatures to be meaningless, and irrelevant. But somehow, his words seemed to irritate me beyond all belief. He was stubborn and reckless, and he used many words that were incomprehensible to me. He did not accept the limits of his power. He adapted.

Without hesitation I reached for him, and took him by the throat, lifting him up just inches from the ground, "I will show you were your place lies half-breed!"

He punched me in the face, making me lose my grip on him. I finally let go and tossed him towards the human that told us lies, nearly missing him as he fell onto the ground.

After a second or so I regained my composure and tilted my head to one side and then the other. The half-breed already getting to his own feet. There was a flash of anger on his face and it made me smirk.

"Are you ready to suffer half-breed?"
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
Goddess Illyria
28 May 2005 @ 11:44 am
--continued from here---

"I would call it just what you called it. Anticipation, because you are alive..."

I frowned, a little confused by his words. I needed more than just a simple answer to something that in my mind was more complex and perplexing than I had ever imagined it could be. I didn't know how to function properly in this world, I didn't know if the feelings that were oozing out of this shell at great speed were the correct feelings to have or if they were just a mutation of the shell and myself.

I needed to understand...

"This feeling of anticipation, my dear, is in direct relation to the fact that you must feel, that while people, humans can only have so many differences that define who they are, that there are subtle differences. Los Angelinos, in and of themselves are a breed apart. The people of Reno, Las Vegas or, I don't know, the ghost towns of Virginia City will all have their ways of life that define them. You will notice it immediately, but it is something that you should take with a smile, because differences define the Earth, make the human race special..."

Differences that define the earth and make the race human... what an interesting concept that was. It added to the multitude of concepts that I had acquired throughout my very long existence. Adding itself to the layer of memories that lay within core my mind. So vast and infinite as the many lives I lived at once, in the past... once upon a time. Literally, millions of years of memory, locked within my grasp. Endless; infinite, or the next best thing to it and I saw that those other lives, those other aspects of myself, had each possessed their own discrete awareness, while at the same time remaining a part of the whole. Some seemed to be inactive, but they were still there, all a part of me, connected to me.

We were getting closer to Reno now, the signs announcing the approximate distance left. It made me smile slightly, the notion that we would soon reach our desired destination. For I was eager to find out what this Reno would be like.

I examined his words again, verbalizing them in my head, picking it apart until I had diluted them into something more basic. Humans, as all beings, had differences, subtle differences that defined them, and shaped them into who they were supposed to be. His words made me analyze the shell even further. Despite it's pitiful frailty and diminutive size, this human body had still somehow managed to influence the process of my fusion with it. There were... flaws, aspects of the transformation that deviated from the template I had patterned into my viral form so many eons before. But these flaws had been more than just that, they had influenced my essence in such a way- it had allotted enough space for human memories and human emotions.

True, I had never imagined that my host body would be that of a human, or that my rebirth would be so long delayed. In point of fact, I was lucky that it had worked at all, with so many factors conspiring against me. I was greatly weakened, yes, unable to access much of what I had once been, being of this world or any other could have the capacity to house my essence whole... yet the world had changed greatly. The other great powers of the Primordial were gone entirely, having failed to manage even as much as I. They all lay in a death-like sleep in their tombs down the very center of this earth, in its core, in the Deeper Well. And I-, I was alive once more; possessing a fair degree of power, and inhabiting the form of the planet's current dominant species.

"Your race is special in deed," I said softly as I changed lanes. "Never once did I take a second look at you, as you sprang forth from the Primordial. You were the ooze, the bacteria at my feet... your race was pretty to look at in its most basic state, but as it was with many things, I grew weary of your species and moved on. Never did I once think that you would become what you are now... the dominant species of this planet. And I never imagined that I would be apart of it,"

I glanced at him once more before returning my gaze back to the road up ahead. "I suppose there will be many more things that will come to surprise me. But oddly enough, I feel that I would very much enjoy this... learning... experience."
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
Goddess Illyria
01 May 2005 @ 03:54 am
I ran through the blinding rain. I felt my body shudder as I ran towards the rest of the group. The events of the night replaying themselves in my head like a river of images. I did not understand why the images plagued me, nor did I care to. I wanted to destroy, to kill everything and anything that dared to challenge me. I felt... grief. I felt... sorrow. I felt... pain. And I did not like it.

Within minutes I was right where I had said I would be. I jumped a fence that closed off the alley and climbed a small building nearby. I could see Angel and Spike from the rooftop and in the distance, Gunn running towards them.

"Any word on Wes?" He asked.

Just as he did, I jumped down from the chain-link fence and stood behind Angel.

"Wesley's dead. I'm feeling grief for him. I can't seem to control it. I wish to do more violence." I stated, my voice trembling with grief, and anger and rage.

"Well, wishes just happen to be horses today." I turned to see Spike standing opposite of Angel.

"Among other things."

"OK. You take the 30,000 on the left..." I tilted my head slightly, noticing the mortal wound that Charles Gunn carried with him.

"You're fading. You'll last 10 minutes at best." I said with a slight hint of concern.

"Then let's make 'em memorable."

The demons approached at a great speed, from above and below. I looked at the sky and saw an ancient creature fly above us... A dragon.

"In terms of a plan?" I heard Spike ask.

"We fight."

"Bit more specific."

"Well, personally, I kind of want to slay the dragon. Let's go to work."

I didn't need to hear anything else. I knew what I had to do. For a moment all I could see as I ran towards the demons was the image of Wesley laying in my arms... dead. I grabbed one of the approaching demons as it lunged itself at me, I clutched him by his neck and flanged him hard into the air, his flying body hitting the opposing brick wall at the end of the alley.

I cocked my head as another demon moved towards me swinging his sword. I smirked confidently and blocked his blade, and just as I had done with Vail, I punched this demon in the face as hard as I could, my fist punching right through it.

Right at that moment I felt another demon hitting me had in the back, I stumbled forward a bit, but I didn’t fall, I looked behind me and he proceeded to punch me again and I kicked him hard making him double onto the ground.

"You filthy creature. You dare threaten a god? I shall make you pay for your insolence." I roared.

He came at me again, axe in hand, I blocked his punch, but he was able to hit me in the face with the end of his axe. I began to taste a metallic substance, and brought hand to the side of my mouth touching it, and examined my bloodstained fingers. I could feel a surge of anger rise throughout my whole body. The demon tried to swing his axe at me again but missed as I took his legs from under him, making him fall to the ground hard. I picked up his axe quickly and decapitated him on the spot.

I didn't know how long I would last. The demons just kept coming. I was tackled from behind by a very large demon with horns and an axe in each hand. I cocked my head at it, and kicked it off of me. He stepped back, but did not loose its balance. He laughed and it infuriated me. He swung his axes simultaneously at me but he was too slow and I was able to dodge his blows quite easily.

I began to punch him everywhere I could as fast as I could, breaking every bone in his putrid body in the process. He finally dropped the axes and I picked them up and smiled, liking their weight.

"Rot you filthy demon!" I screamed and brought the axes simultaneously on his neck cutting it off from his shoulders.

I looked around me and I found myself surrounded. This fight was not going well, the demons just kept coming. But there were too many of them. Soon I was on the ground. Unable to move. Blood filled my mouth and I was pinned to the ground by five large demons. I never thought the end would be this way. I had been defeated. I, the great god king had fail. I had failed Wesley. I closed my eyes for a moment, my whole being in unbearable pain. Soon I drifted back to those last few words...

"Fred. I've missed you."

"It's gonna be OK. It won't hurt much longer, and then you'll be where I am. We'll be together."

"I—I love you."

"I love you. My love. Oh, my love."


When I opened my eyes again, I was alone. I sat up and found myself in a strange place... and I was no longer in pain. How did I get here? Where was I? Where were the other? Nowhere in sight. I was truly alone. We had lost.
 
 
Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
 
 
Goddess Illyria
26 April 2005 @ 01:17 pm
Humans... for eons I watched them grow and evolve from nothing into something, and into what they now were. They were all beneath me, as many creatures were in my days as a ruler. And everyone feared me. I was their god; I was the thing that struck fear in them. I was death, I was life, and I was a force to be reckoned with. I was all. I was ruthless and I was just and I commanded my army with an iron will. I was indomitable. The infinite galaxy and everything in it was my playground. I was everything a ruler should be. There was nothing that was not my own- to conquer or to destroy... I walked through time, shifting its linear progression to fit my own and traveled worlds and dimensions at my leisure.

And then there was my death, not in the literal sense, but more like what humans would call... deep sleep.

My acolytes helped prepare me for the coming world; for I had conquered all and I wished to conquer more. My return was prophesized, and everything was set in to place so that one day I would reawaken, with new found powers and thirsting to conquer the new lands yet again.

My temple and my army... everything entombed with me, so that they too would awaken when I did.

But things simply did not go as planned. Things took an unexpected turn and everything had been for nothing.

All that had happened, and all that had changed, changed in ways that I never thought would be possible. I was a shadow of my former glory, I was reduced to humanity, becoming just barely above them... barely.

I had thought my existence was over then, I had thought nothing would change the way that I felt. I felt lost, I felt like a failure. As if all the work and all the preparations had been for nothing and in fact they had been.

And then the unexpected happened. The shell, her being, her 'essence' weaved itself in my core and left behind its imprint. It left me 'feeling' strange, as if there was some aberration in my being, a splinter I could not locate, and a disease for which I had no antidote. It ate away at my being, devouring my very substance against my will. I had never felt such a thing before then, ever. And I could not begin to understand that what happening to... me. To conquer all, and to rule completely, that had been my definition of life.

And now emotions and feelings ruled it, and defined it.

Then I realized what it was that I was feeling, something that at first I found repugnant and then it was simply not. I had developed 'human emotions' for Wesley. Only they were stronger, much stronger than that. He was my guide, and so much more... He had allowed my emotions to wash over me and become what they would become. I realized now that what I felt for him was not just the echo of the shell, but something quite new, something that I truly felt. Me. The former god king.

But still, I longed for understanding...

"Of course you are to stay here amongst the human race, Illyria. Where else would you go?"

I frowned as I looked at him. There was no question in my mind that I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here, with him. There was no where else for me to go, and even if there was, I could not bring myself to leave him.

"There is nowhere for me to go, Wesley." I said softly, taking his hands on mine. "I would not be welcome in this form if I tried to leave this dimension, and the gods that once held me in high regard would only see me as an enemy, defeated, and would end my existence in a heartbeat at the mere sight of me."

And that was true, for it was what I would have done...

"And... I do not want to leave," I continued. "I simply want to learn, to understand." I looked up at him, trying to find all of the answers that I was looking for in his eyes. "I could never leave... not without you..."
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
Goddess Illyria
21 April 2005 @ 12:52 am
I never imagined that human existence could take such a poignant turn… it would seem that death was never the end of things. No... of course not. But I had never prepared myself for what was about to come, everything about this night had been most unexpected, and although my adaptability to particular situations had increased and had become simpler to integrate and adjust to through out the years, I found this particular one most difficult to overcome. I felt almost powerless against it. Stripped of everything that made me strong and left me only with memories of grief and regret. My whole being vibrated with emotions- fear, love, rage, and a hint of despair, making their home within me. For a moment, I wished to rid myself of these infectious emotions that were passing through me, like the wind, burning the core of my being. I could almost feel my own composure slipping from me- almost.

I was sure that if I closed my eyes I could almost see the events of that night. The memories were right there, hanging on by a thread, waiting to spill like a river. I swallowed hard as I tried to hold them back, to keep them in place. So much had happened since then, so- so much. I was not the same being, I had changed. Changed in ways I never thought I could have. But still, without warning they all came, breaking the wall that I had set up around me. I couldn’t help but relive those long forgotten moments. Try as I might I couldn’t erase the pictures my mind was showing me. I felt as if though I was breaking in two and it annoyed me. I was better than this, I was over this, but then again... I was not. I didn’t know what would be waiting for me behind the door. Hate, anger, reproach... disdain. I began to feel trapped, as if in a room without doors and windows, the air slipping from me, leaving me weak, defenseless against everything. I hadn’t felt this way in over a decade. The air felt heavy and each and every step became more and more difficult than the next. Time seemed to stand still for a moment.

If Spike were conscious he would say, 'Everyone has to face their demons sooner or later.' However in my case, it was not a demon that I was about to face but a human, the one that had really mattered in the end of all things.

Somewhere along the way I regained my composure, and things seemed to come back to normal for a moment and I was grateful for that moment of peace. I looked up ahead anxiously as I carried the unconscious Spike all the way to our destination, following Angel and Faith, with Connor walking beside me. I knew we were getting close. I tried to fight the torrent of feelings that were threatening to surface again, and this time I tried focusings on something else and I was triumphant. I decided to alter my persona and revert back to Fred for it was easier to walk along the streets in this form without calling too much attention. I picked up the pace and walked ahead of Angel and Faith as we were almost there.

I gave a small reassuring smile to Angel as I passed him by, he seemed be doing considerably better than before. I had been surprised by his outburst when he finally came face to face with Spike after so many years. Undoubtedly, he had a long road a head of him, and of course, I would be there for him as much as I could, just like tonight, but he needed to conquer his demons on his own, and he was... he was trying. After a few minutes I looked to Connor’s direction quickly and only for a moment. He seemed a little irritated and anxious. There was so much to do still, and I knew he would much rather be out there trying to find the killer of his family. But he remained. Perhaps he simply wanted to make sure his father was okay. Perhaps.

Soon we reached our destination. Connor and I tended to the unconscious Spike, with Angel and Faith walking in behind us. I placed Spike on the couch and checked his head where he had the mark of Angel’s fist. I frowned, most likely he had a mild concussion, but nothing more than that.

Finally I got up from the couch and turned around. I began to feel almost sick again, as if there were some deviation in my being, like a splinter that I could not locate, a disease for which I had no antidote, eating away at my being devouring my very substance against my will. I knew exactly what this feeling was, for it was the same exact feeling I had felt only once before... on the night that Wesley died in my arms.


[Continues HERE]
 
 
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