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26 April 2005 @ 01:17 pm
Trying To Understand [hellmouth_napa]  
Humans... for eons I watched them grow and evolve from nothing into something, and into what they now were. They were all beneath me, as many creatures were in my days as a ruler. And everyone feared me. I was their god; I was the thing that struck fear in them. I was death, I was life, and I was a force to be reckoned with. I was all. I was ruthless and I was just and I commanded my army with an iron will. I was indomitable. The infinite galaxy and everything in it was my playground. I was everything a ruler should be. There was nothing that was not my own- to conquer or to destroy... I walked through time, shifting its linear progression to fit my own and traveled worlds and dimensions at my leisure.

And then there was my death, not in the literal sense, but more like what humans would call... deep sleep.

My acolytes helped prepare me for the coming world; for I had conquered all and I wished to conquer more. My return was prophesized, and everything was set in to place so that one day I would reawaken, with new found powers and thirsting to conquer the new lands yet again.

My temple and my army... everything entombed with me, so that they too would awaken when I did.

But things simply did not go as planned. Things took an unexpected turn and everything had been for nothing.

All that had happened, and all that had changed, changed in ways that I never thought would be possible. I was a shadow of my former glory, I was reduced to humanity, becoming just barely above them... barely.

I had thought my existence was over then, I had thought nothing would change the way that I felt. I felt lost, I felt like a failure. As if all the work and all the preparations had been for nothing and in fact they had been.

And then the unexpected happened. The shell, her being, her 'essence' weaved itself in my core and left behind its imprint. It left me 'feeling' strange, as if there was some aberration in my being, a splinter I could not locate, and a disease for which I had no antidote. It ate away at my being, devouring my very substance against my will. I had never felt such a thing before then, ever. And I could not begin to understand that what happening to... me. To conquer all, and to rule completely, that had been my definition of life.

And now emotions and feelings ruled it, and defined it.

Then I realized what it was that I was feeling, something that at first I found repugnant and then it was simply not. I had developed 'human emotions' for Wesley. Only they were stronger, much stronger than that. He was my guide, and so much more... He had allowed my emotions to wash over me and become what they would become. I realized now that what I felt for him was not just the echo of the shell, but something quite new, something that I truly felt. Me. The former god king.

But still, I longed for understanding...

"Of course you are to stay here amongst the human race, Illyria. Where else would you go?"

I frowned as I looked at him. There was no question in my mind that I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here, with him. There was no where else for me to go, and even if there was, I could not bring myself to leave him.

"There is nowhere for me to go, Wesley." I said softly, taking his hands on mine. "I would not be welcome in this form if I tried to leave this dimension, and the gods that once held me in high regard would only see me as an enemy, defeated, and would end my existence in a heartbeat at the mere sight of me."

And that was true, for it was what I would have done...

"And... I do not want to leave," I continued. "I simply want to learn, to understand." I looked up at him, trying to find all of the answers that I was looking for in his eyes. "I could never leave... not without you..."
 
 
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