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Goddess Illyria
20 March 2005 @ 07:49 pm
Finally after a few more minutes of torture in the automobile with them we exited the freeway and spilled onto the less congested street. Angel assured that it wouldn’t be long until we reached out destination.

I was growing quiet weary of their musing and their discussion of it. I wanted to find these automobiles and drive them back to Napa and get back to Wesley.

After a few more minutes I began to feel trapped, as if the walls of the car were pressing against me. Such small confines and in the company of people that didn’t see me as an equal really made me feel as if I was being suffocated. I needed air, I needed out of this place. But I waited, my breathing getting heavier. I closed my eyes, and tough of Wesley, his soothing touch, and his calming voice…

Soon we came upon a place called Aces Public Storage and I immediately knew we were right were we were supposed to be. I let out a sigh of relief, a few more minutes in such a boisterous car with humans who did nothing but discuss things that did not seemed to matter would have had me leashing out on them, and I knew that they would dislike me even more than they did.

As soon as the car came to a halt I got out and breathed deep. Everyone else soon followed. I stood there waiting for Angel to lead the way and he did. He opened up the place and we came upon five automobiles. He called each out by name… One was called a Viper, the other a Lamborghini Diablo, then he pointed to a Ferrari F-50. On the other side he pointed towards a Porsche Cayenne and a car called a Classic Camaro SS.

I was very intrigued by the one called a Diablo for it was blue. I walked up to it and touched, feeling the smoothness of it.

“I shall drive this one because it suits me.” I said looking towards Angel. He gave me a shrug and handed me its keys, then he turned around and walked towards the Viper.

He tossed keys to Gunn who stood next to the Classic Camaro SS and Cordelia who had already claimed the Porsche Cayenne. The last person to take keys was Willow, who took the red Ferrari F-50. I was fascinated by the fact that I had remembered all of the names of the vehicles, even more fascinated still by the feel of the Diablo as I got inside.

Soon, I heard the roar of the other cars coming to life, and I did the same. Feeling the power beneath me of this machine. I smirked looking at the rear view mirror, waiting to get out of this place and back to Wesley.
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
Goddess Illyria
13 March 2005 @ 01:58 pm
The shell's home cold and dark. It reeked of her, everything everywhere reeked of her. And all of it seemed to spark a wave of unwanted memories, memories of her, of meaningless things. It was almost repugnant, being able to experience these memories, for I did not understand this world or the meaning of certain things. I had grown weary of it, these feeling that were not my own. And yet, I felt compelled to try and understand for that was the key to understanding this world better.

I wished to explore the world and things in it, but without a guide I found myself becoming overwhelmed. Wesley had not said one word to me since I wore the Burkle persona, and I could not truly understand why. It was whom he had wanted, and I was willing to explore it further with him, and yet he shunned me away. And for reasons that I did not yet understand, the fact that he was distant from me disturbed me, it disturbed me more than I cared to admit.

I walked towards the mirror in the room and stared at the image before me.

These feelings they were not my own, they were simply a residual left over from the shell, just like the insignificant memories. And yet I wondered... My earlier experiment had gone quite well, I could walk through the world wearing the Winifred Burkle persona, and the humans that had known her wouldn't know the difference. Her kin didn't seem to even notice the difference at all. It had all been most interesting, and yet it had still left an array of unanswered question.

I stared at myself in the mirror for several moments, trying to understand this new body and trying to figure out the feelings that came with it. I was strong still, I knew this, and I could feel it. Yet I was a god... no more. My power and my army had been legendary, I had destroyed anything and anyone who ever stood in my way. And now, I was reduces to this body, trapped in this time and in this place.

Bound to this world, bound to this body and bound to its memories. My temple was in ruins, and now I had nothing and no one. Nothing to hold on to. I was alone in a world I did not understand. The feeling of loneliness, began to creep in, and it felt like such a terrible thing.

"I wish to understand this world," I said to no one as I stared at myself in the mirror.

Still looking at the mirror I turned into the image of the shell and tilted my head mechanically to one side. "Wish to understand these memories, and these, these feelings. They are not my own, and yet..." I turned back into the blue of my glory and tilted my head again. "I wish to explore this being's existence further."

I modify the molecules within this shell and turn into Winifred Burkle yet again and smile, a big and bright smile. "Handsome man saves me from the monster." I tilt my head once more, and the smile is gone. "This will do."

Without another glance I walk out of the shell's home and into the world once more. I needed to find Wesley, I had questions for him, I needed to explore this world, and I needed to understand it. I could no longer wander aimlessly in the world of humans, not knowing my own place. I was Illyria and if Wesley was unwilling to aid me in this, then I had to find a being that would.

As I reach the wolf, ram and hart building, I shed the mirage that was Winifred Burkle. I walked through the halls like a ghost looking Wesley. When I reached his office, it was dark, it was obvious that he hadn't been here for quite some time. I turned around and left, wondering the halls again, not really knowing where to go.
 
 
Current Mood: pensivepensive
 
 
Goddess Illyria
I took a seat next to Wesley, wanting to be close to him and to watch him sleep. I wanted to see the rise and fall of his chest. It was rhythmic. He looked peaceful, as if he hadn't slept for a very long time. The morphine induce sleep had surely ceased his pain. I watched the blinking light of the monitor and noticed how the beeping sound tracked his heartbeats. His wounds had been properly taken care of this time, I had made sure of that.

As I sat there, I realized that this had been the second time I had seen him in this condition. I detested the fact that his body was so frail. But there was nothing one could do about that nonetheless. I grabbed one of the towels and wiped one of my own wounds. It stung for a moment, but this was merely a scratch, just like my other wounds. It will heal in time.

I watched as Gunn looked at me in awe, possibly perturbed to see me in the Burkle persona, with only my eyes shining their iridescent blue. However, he did not seem as hostile as before. Our gaze was interrupted by the stir of Wesley. I tilted my head to one side and watch as he frowned when he tried to turn.

I got up from my seat and stood next to him and began stroking his hair. I was reminded for a split second of those last few moment Wesley had spent with the shell, the way he had been so soft with her, cared for her, shown such... unconditional love for her. I understood that now, what I felt for him was the same.

His eyes opened after a while and I smiled at him, "You should be sleeping," I whispered softly. "You need to recover your strength."

He smiled at me, and just as he did, Angel and Cordelia entered the room. I looked at both of them, a bit baffled at first, but then turning my attention back to Wesley.

"It would appear that you have visitors."
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
Goddess Illyria
22 February 2005 @ 05:43 pm
It had taken me only two days to bring everything that had belonged to Wesley back to the shell's dwelling. Everything had been sitting in Wesley’s apartment for days gathering moths and dust. I took everything that belonged to him, everything. His books, his clothes, his notes, his plates and silverware... and just anything that he ever touched.

Everything laid about on the floor simply arranged in piles that only I knew the meaning of. Everyday was a new arrangement. I started out with the simplest of classifications... all the books on one pile, all his clothes on another one. And then it grew in its complexity. Some of his things were categorized by color and size and frequency of its usage, or simply because it reminded me most of him.

But no matter how many times I re-arranged it, I could never find the deeper understanding of him that I was always looking for. He was simply gone and the only thing that remained were the piles that laid on the floor.

Somehow, it didn't seem to be enough.

On this day, I tried to arrange everything by texture, his books and some belts and a few other items were laid out in one pile, as I did, memories of the shell flooded my mind... early memories of him. Memories of a grand Hotel, Wesley looking at something behind an instrument called a microscope. I smiled. I pulled out one of the books from the pile and began to read. I had read all of these books before from cover to cover, trying to find something of Wesley's in them, but I was always left with the same feeling.

As I read this book again, I couldn't even remember how often I had read this particular volume, another memory came to my mind. The one that seemed to plague me more and more as I read these books.

"You have to fight. You don't have to talk, just concentrate on fighting. Just hold on."

"I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm not scared. Please... Wesley-- Why can't I stay?"


I let the book drop back to the pile and closed my eyes. These emotions were not my own, they did not belong to me, they were not a part of me and yet they were, they were embedded in me, they had stitched themselves on to me and they refused to let go.

I felt so lost, so alone. I tried to do what I thought Wesley would have wanted me to do. I fought all of the filth that filled the streets, and yet, not even that made me feel like the ruler that I once was. I was a shadow of myself and I didn't know how to change all of that. This world, this time, this place, I didn't understand it. The two half-breeds only seemed to confuse me more, so I stayed away from them and came to their calling only when it was required of me to do so.

This place, my old kingdom, Los Angeles, it was a foreign wasteland of lights and machines and primitives that endangered their lives day by day. How can you save someone that does not wish to be saved?

I let out a sigh and walked over to another pile. This one was filled with garments, and pillows and different colored fabrics, but they all had the same texture.

I pulled one from the lot and inspected it. As I did, yet again, another memory began to spark...

For AbsolutionCollapse )
 
 
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
 
 
Goddess Illyria
08 February 2005 @ 11:26 pm
We followed the others in Wesley’s vehicle. There was fire, destruction, and chaos all around. The smell of the dead polluted the air. Soon we came to a halt behind them. I looked at Wesley with a quizzical look in my face. I realized that we were right on the spot where it had all begun; on the thing they called the Hellmouth.

Spike exited the vehicle and joined the others. I pulled the door open and exited as well, waiting for Wesley to do the same. As he did I took his hand. It was merely by impulse, it was as if though the shell remembered this simple gesture. I had seen this gesture used by many so called lovers on the thing they called a television... Th- Fred, had done this same gesture many times.

I looked around me and it was a pitiful sight. Everywhere there was death; the whole place reeked of it. The earth was split into many pieces while smoke and the aroma of charred bodies filled the air.

I was used to seeing such chaos and destruction. For several generations, I had been the cause of most of it. Long ago, I would have rejoiced at such a sight. I was a conqueror of lands, of lower beings. I was destruction and the ecstasy of death. But somehow, on this night, I found the sight repulsing.

I shifted my gaze to the others, and I could already feel their rejection of me. I could see it in their eyes. They disapproved my proximity to Wesley, our newfound intimacy and our evolving emotions toward each other. It radiated off of them in waves, waves of mistrust and of disbelief. The only one who seemed tolerant of my presence was Spike.

Finally we had almost reached the others. Then I realized... this Hellmouth. It was a most interesting thing. Its power was deeply rooted to the center of the earth. I turned to Wesley, and tilted my head just slightly to one side.

"There is an imbalance of power here, Wesley. This spot reeks of it... it reeks of evil."
 
 
Current Mood: pensivepensive
 
 
 
Goddess Illyria
11 January 2005 @ 08:25 pm
I didn’t expect for him to awaken so soon from his slumber. His breathing a few minutes ago had been rhythmic, slow, and steady. I had been sure that he wouldn’t wake from his morphine induced sleep just yet. However, he did awake and he put an end to Gunn’s expressive outburst at my comment with three simple words... Gunn, shut up.

My eyes were now fixed on Wesley, I could see a trace of physical pain emanating from his facial expression. He was struggling... struggling to stand, even to speak.

"Gunn, you are a little hot right now. Illyria, would you like to tell me what happened with everything, with all of this, with our plan?"

I tilted my head to one side and studied him for a moment, then looked away. After a moment's pause I began to recall the events of the night. I told him how I had killed the red devil, and three other members of the Circle of the Black Thorn as they left a place of dining.

I also told him how Gunn had defeated the female senator and made ashes of the vampires that worked for her. And finally I explained that Spike and Angel had defeated the demons that the wolf, ram and hart had sent after the destruction of the Circle of the Black Thorn. I told him how Gunn and I had seen the wolf, ram and hart building on fire and its populace dead, bodies all over the street.

"Now the streets that lead to that wasteful building are empty and they reek of death. " I said.

"There is not much more to tell, other than Angel sending us to look for you. We did not find you there, but we did find Vail’s body. It gave me great pleasure to see him dead, " I smirked. "Then we followed the trail of blood, and it lead us to this place. And now here we are..."
 
 
Current Mood: blankblank
 
 
Goddess Illyria
06 January 2005 @ 01:32 pm
I was glad to be rid of myself of the human slayers and the two vampires. Never in my life had I spent so much time with any being other than perhaps Wesley. It sickened me beyond recognition. And the stink of us was most repulsive. I walked into the room. The once that had once had been inhabited by Winifred Burkle, the one that, after her death I had taken as my own and shed my armor.

I thought for a moment about everything that had happened in Discordia. Angel had shown great bravery. However, even though the blond half-breed had shown great bravery, only to digress to a mere buffoon in the presence of the slayers. And when I changed into the Burkle persona to blend better into my surroundings, he tried to quarrel with me. The mere thought of his presence in they flying machine had bothered me beyond my imagination.

I looked at myself in the mirror and tilted my head to one side. My face was not my face, I was a stranger to myself, no longer glorious, feared or respected. I had been reduced to a mere human, I had been reduced to something that many a millennia I had regarded as grime under my foot. It had been an embarrassing end for a god king.

I turned on the water. Hot. And I let the water rinse away the muck and stink of the place I had just visited. I could not deny that the sound of the running water had a lulling effect and claming effect on me. The warmth of it felt good as well. I looked around and found some sort of tube and an aromatic square... I studied these for a long moment and realized, from the shells memories, what the uses of them were. I proceeded to use the contents of the tube in my hair and used the fragrant square on this skin and wash away all grime from Discordia.

Perhaps after this shell was cleansed I should visit the human Riley Finn. He intrigued me, and I wondered how his weak body could survive such a fall and still live and breathe. Most interesting. He was bruised and battered, yes. His body broken in many different places. And yet he lived on. Most remarkable.

As I the water cleansed me, I thought about all the things I still needed to learn from this world. All the things I longed to understand. I needed a guide still. I needed someone who could teach me the intricacies of humanity. I could not go on in this world with out a place... I longed to explore... I longed for understanding. I felt the need to exist here, in this place and in this time. The humans of this place intrigued me. These feelings intrigued me. I wished to learn more.
 
 
Current Mood: awakeawake
 
 
Goddess Illyria
02 January 2005 @ 04:52 pm
I listened to the mindless babble from the other room and it was beginning to agitate me. Humans always had to discuss everything, and in the interim they wasted precious time. Even with the half-breeds with a soul, Angel and the blond one Spike, protecting these creatures, this group stil lacked the kind of leadership they so desperately needed. They paced back and forth and in and out of this place like ants lost. I grew weary of this.

I looked in the mirror, my blue form staring back at me with a face that was not my own. I reeked of humanity. This carcass bound to me now, a part of the once god king. I stared at the strange reflection in the mirror and I could find no solace in it. My face was not my face... I didn’t know what it would say. I turned my visage to that of the shell, Winifred Burkle. There were fragments, electrical spasms channeled into my function system... memories... that still lingered like pitiful echoes of their former selves. I cocked my head to one side. Only an empty shell, nothing there but the echoes of a half-lived life, unfulfilled. 'Be blue...' I closed my eyes for only moment and let my glorious form reign once more. I cocked my head again... 'This reflection would take some getting used to.' I said under my breath and walked off.

I had to leave this place, I needed to explore, to find out if there was anything worth my time. This world was so small, and yet these humans boxed themselves in even smaller rooms, shutting themselves inside. One of them had already left these walls... The boy, Connor. And just like that, someone new had joined the humans, someone I could not place from the shell’s memories. I quietly passed through the hall, all the humans unaware of my exit. How I pitied them. All of them. This room was not worthy of my presence, even if I were no longer a god king.

I opened the doors and walked outside. There was something in the air, something I couldn’t quite place, but it felt clean, soothing. I could breathe easier. The walls didn’t seem to press as hard when I didn’t see them, but they were still there. I stepped out of the house, enjoying the voice of the wind, ready to set out to find some answers of my own when I herd a noise. Something watching in the distance... My interest was peaked, and my guard was up.
 
 
Current Mood: crankycranky
 
 
Goddess Illyria
31 December 2004 @ 05:46 pm
I was once the god king of the primordial, shaper of all things, ruler of worlds and distant lands, the iron fist of a vast army and king of many legions. I was once the ecstasy of death, and sought out to conquer all that was there to conquer. To conquer all and to rule completely had been my very definition of life. But now, life was much different than it had been my days as a ruler.

Change. For the longest time I loathed it. I saw the change in the human race, watching it sprout out from the ooze and change into single cell organisms. I watched their whole evolution and the mere sight of them disgusted me. In my eyes, change was a sign of weakness. It was an impediment on the whole human race. But as existence is self dealt me a low blow, I too was forced to change, and I realized that the reason that humans had existed for so long was because of their willingness to adapt.

I no longer sought to revive my former glory. That urge to seek out and destroy everything around me that was not mine died down long ago, along with the champions who fought hard to keep this place from turning into the pits of hell. So much death and destruction and chaos… the memories of this persona allowed me to open my eyes wider still to these things, and her memories and emotion echoed within me with each and every passing moment of my existence, weighing heavy on me as to what it was it was like to live, to really live among humans.

My understanding of the human race only became clearer with the aid of Spike. He helped me understand the intricacies of humanity. He too was a champion in his own right. Now he was plagued by grief and swallowed by loneliness. Very powerful emotions, not to be taken lightly by anyone. These thoughts lead me to wonder about for a moment on Angel. He had been a champion once, now he seemed to be broken. Perhaps some day I will seek him out and see if he is willing to join the good fight as Spike calls it.

Now I found myself with a purpose in this world. My mission… to rid the world of the filth that infested it. There were too many things that preyed on the weak and the innocent that it made my whole being shake with anger at times.

I set out to find those that killed the mother and child. The filthy demons that spilled the blood of the innocent in such an atrocious way that even the sight made a god king weep in the night. I walked the streets in the Burkle persona. With this meek and weak mirage I tried to sought out the evil that infested this town. And when I found the chaos that polluted it, chaos would bleed, and it will bleed by my hand.

[Continued HERE, and HERE]
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
Goddess Illyria
12 December 2004 @ 01:08 am
The doors to Lorne's office swung open. I walked in with Gunn and my eyes searched the room. Everyone was there, even some familiar faces whom I recognized from the shell's memories. Everything intrigued me now, there was much I had yet to understand of this world. There was much to learn from it. I remembered the birth of the sun, and how it had intrigued me then, how its rays brought life and sometimes death to everything it touched. What an interesting thing it was, and still is. It was almost as old as I.

I remembered how I marveled at the cycle of things, and how these things held my attention for quite a while. Now, that I was a part of this cycle I realized that everything here... in this world seemed to die, and that it died at a great speed. Of course as all things, it had an exception, one of them being the half-breeds who never seemed to age, but paid a heavy price for their immortality. There were other things that lived forever, or for a very long time at least. My kind had lived a long time, the ancient gods, the wolf, ram, and hart had lived a long time, and other entities that inhabited this earth.

Then there were those who were frail, those whose life cycle was but a mere blink of an eye. I had watched many such beings in my lifetime, most had gone extinct. However, for reasons I did not understand, humans seemed to flourish, and infect this world like a virus. For a long time, I thought that humans would grow extinct, like many other creatures, but they have not. I wished to know why, and Wesley was the one who held the answers for me, yet, he seemed repulsed by the sight of the shell, and my mimicking of her.

I let my eyes rest on the vampires. They were both most aggrieved; their bodies reeked of it. And now they would do everything in their power to keep these two slayers from dying. The feelings they felt for them had caused their stifling pain that permeated in this room. It would be better for them not to grow so attached at all since humankind seemed to die so easily.

This made me wonder why it was that I followed the half-breeds on this quest when in return I gained nothing. Perhaps it was because these humans held the key to the knowledge that I seek of this world, but I could not tell. The vampires seemed ready for anything, and I wondered if they knew what Discordia really was like. But they didn’t… they were about to walk into one of the most unpleasant worlds of worlds.

“I am here. What do you require?”
 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined